Values – how do I know mine?

Write down your values in 30 seconds.     Now let’s put a bit of effort into this exercise.  For two days notice every time you have a high emotional response to anything.  Either; anger, fear, excitement, happiness, frustration etc.  Think about other times in your life when you experienced high emotional responses.  Write these down. It is likely that these are touching your values.  Now create a list like this. 

Examples

You should keep going until you have about 30 on your list.  Can you select the top 10 that have the biggest impact on you.  Now you are going to rank them.  This can be done by thinking through which value you would bring to play before another by thinking through scenarios.  I find it easiest to write them on 10 separate slips of paper and I keep on shifting them around as I change my mind.  Compare your ranked values to those you wrote down quickly. 

 Your number 1 value should be that one thing that no matter what, you will not compromise. 

 Values are not static and your current life circumstances will influence your priorities.  Go with the process and don’t try and judge it or make it “right”.  I have done this process for 10 years now and find it interesting to observe which values are consistently in the top and which ones shift in priority, based on life events. 

 Examples of values or things that are important to you:  

My Normal is the most Normal

My Normal is the most Normal

 Do you feel a sense of rage and frustration at the world that simply will not conform to what you need it to be.  This could probably apply to everyone but more often to minorities.  The dominant culture is still driven by pale males no matter what the policies and spin doctors say.  As the minority you feel as if you are always making compromises and no matter how hard you try, you do not get heard.  Should you continue to try or should you just go somewhere else? 

 The bad news is that whatever you think you left behind, will just be there waiting at the next station.  The good news is that you are not doomed to live your life in misery but the medicine to happiness may not be as simple as you think.

 To survive, no, to be happy in a world where you have limited power to create the perfect balance between what your wants and needs are and those of others requires effort and may I suggest wisdom and cunning.  I use the book “Playing with the Enemy” as an example of what it took to create profound change and acceptance.  I personally have a great admiration for Nelson Mandela and the more I read his story and particularly this book, I have understand why.  There are so many lessons to be learnt from Mandela’s leadership strategy.  Even when he had the power to play pay-back, he didn’t.  He tried to create a world in which people with difference could live together peacefully.  The extent to which he humbled himself and compromised for the greater good is beyond my comprehension, but I am happy to pay attention and learn lessons. 

 By 1995 the ANC had won the elections and Nelson Mandela had all the power (or so one thinks) but to build bridges over many, many years of anger and hatred is not that easy.  He took on the task single handedly to convince his own people to support the SA rugby side in the world cup.  Rugby and the people playing it, represented everything the struggle had fought against.  So convincing his people was a mammoth task. He went on a campaign trail specifically to gain this support.   He was booed and the concept rejected by people who adored him.   But he won them over – he was very convincing. 

 He not only understood his enemy, but understood what it would take to achieve his vision and that was more powerful than the smaller compromises he had to make to achieve the greater goal.    

 So what has that got to do with those who are not country leaders or politicians.   I have news for you; leadership happens everywhere and (business is not business without politics) Are there lessons here for those who perceive themselves to be marginalised at work?  I suggest you read the book and find your own inspiration.  The ignition for me was that once we have a clear picture of what we want, we can develop our strategy and implement the plan and get our ego out of the way. 

 One of the challenges I deal with in business coaching is how to survive the organisation’s culture?  This is the most difficult for people whose ‘normal’ is not the same as the ‘normal’ enacted in the day-to-day transactions in the organisation where they work.  This is a process of getting to the point where you understand that there are many scripts of ‘normal’ and that every one has an equal right to exist as does yours. The trick is to learn the rules of each person’s perspective to better connect with them. With this understanding we can then start creating an environment that serves us as well as others.  It sounds simple, and it actually is, because all you are changing is your perspective and thinking.  

 Coaching provides a safe space for you to notice and observe your own social conditioning.   You can start challenging how you see situations and develop strategies that leverage your strengths and result in a win-win outcome. 

 If you feel you would like to stand up and ‘fight’ back and need someone in your corner, contact your personal coach and if you do not have one yet, contact me.

 Mariane Vorster   082 921 0057  mhvorster@mweb.co.za     

EI The OTHER

There are many ways that we communicate with others and the key is to understand the “language”. How do you know when someone is being truthful; how do you know if someone is scared, how do you know what you see is not just your projections? When you learn to “see” and interact with others and it may even give you an unfair advantage.

Definitions

BarOn who has written extensively on emotional inelegance in the individual defines the following :

• Empathy – The ability to be attentive to, to understand and appreciate the feelings of others. It is being able to “emotionally read” other people.
• Interpersonal Relationship – The ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that are characterised by intimacy, and by giving and receiving affection.

Rationale

Why would we want to get better at understanding others and working with them? Ultimately we are social creatures and we live in societies. We interact with others and mostly the quality of those interactions impact on our well-being and happiness. We all benefit when we can achieve interactions that are win-win. Until, as societies, we get to the point where mutual understanding and respect is high, we need to understand how to engage with others and to protect ourselves at the same time.

Some of the ways to do this is:

• Understand what makes people tick, especially those who are different from me
• To be able to identify the less obvious messages
• To detect truth and lies.
• To uncover attraction and rejection.
• To creating a sense of trust.
• To persuade, sell to, and influence other people.

Ethics

The ability to read others is a bit like owning a gun. It can be put to good use as protection or it can be used as an offensive weapon to harm others. Be warned. As you develop skills on reading others, it can be very powerful. The power to influence as well as read others can be intoxicating and you should treat your new-found skill with respect.

Communication

More than one “English”

We have preferences about how we think as well as what we think about. If we understand the other person’s filter preference and we can “speak” their language they may be more inclined to engage in a more meaningful connection.

We selectively filter information from our environment in three broad ways:

• Some see sights and pictures
• Others hear sounds
• A third group grasp the emotional aspects or touch. They feel the kinesthetic dimension as body awareness including taste and smell.

A good author will use all three to capture all three groups. See the three sets of writing below and identify the preference. It is quite obvious and easy when you are looking for it.

• The water was shimmering silver white against the light blue sky. It felt that any minute it would explode into a single white light that would roll over me and float me down a river.
• The wind whipped into the sails and they snapped to attention as the boat took off, swishing through the water. The ropes pinged in perfect resonance against the mask and together it was the orchestra that took me back to the holidays of my youth
• The blindfold pressing against my eyes was rough and scratchy. The floor was cold and hard. My whole body was stiff and sore from lying in one position and try as I might I could not turn over. Something was holding me down.

Personality Profiles

We are all different in so many ways. Personality is an interesting study and so much has been written on it, I will just choose one possible dimension and talk about that could influence our ability to connect with others. We go the way back to Hippocrates and his four temperaments:

Cool blue – showing no bias, objective, analytical, detached

Earth green – still, tranquil, calming

Sunshine yellow – cheerful, uplifting, spirited,

Fiery red – positive, bold, assertive

These personality differences can cause serious and sometimes amusing clashes. Imagine an earth green trying to explain the need for a morning check-in meeting to a fiery red boss. All he wants is “be bold, be brief and be gone”. Or a sunshine yellow trying to explain the fun programme for the Christmas party to the accountant who is only interested in the cost and when the invoice will arrive.

Body Language

Professor Mehrabian of the University of Californiadid research and published papers in the 1960s. His findings were that communication happens on different levels. 55% body language 38% tone 7% words. Not only can we understand these different communications processes cognitively, we are really good at “hearing” these unconsciously. It is the universal language. It is an innate human ability that we have stopped paying attention to because we rely so heavily on words, spoken and written.

Research done on facial expressions found that these were almost completely without cultural bias. In other words, everyone expressed grief, joy, concern etc with the same sets of muscle patterns around the world. (Paul Ekman: in Blink). You already have the ability to “see” these. Until you have practiced and enhanced your skills in this area, use insights to trigger good questions rather than making assumptions. Body gestures on the other hand, have a very strong cultural bias. For this reason it is a good idea to brush up on local customs before traveling to new places.

If we now combine our awareness of facial expressions and thinking preferences, with an awareness of the current reality of the other person, we can match, mirror and pace them. We do this to build rapport, to connect strongly to others and to get them to a place where they are able to listen to us and we are able to lead them. First you have to listen, demonstrate genuine interest, acknowledge who they are and where they are right now. If you tried to jump onto a moving train you will probably fall. If you ran alongside it until you were at the same speed, jumping on will work better.

We can pace people by matching and mirroring their movements, their postures and even their breathing. Be careful that what you do is not obvious or patronizing. Remember that without training all people are wired to notice when something is not authentic. They may not be able to raise it into their awareness, but it will be the niggly feeling in their stomachs.

How to Determine When Someone Is Lying to You

There’s no way to guarantee someone is always telling the truth or that the signs below always mean lying.

• Guilt over untruthfulness reveals itself in the following ways: Covering the mouth, stroking the nose, closing the palms, and lack of eye contact.
• Covering the mouth is a way of masking a lie
• The pressure applied determines whether a nose stroke is a way of covering up a lie or merely a means of scratching an itch.
• Open palms are a traditional sign of honesty.
• Men tend to rub their eyes, while women are more likely to rub below their eyes, when they lie.
• Men tend to look at the floor, while women are more likely to stare at the ceiling, when they lie.
• Looking up and to the right is an indication someone is lying.
• Dilated pupils are a sign of untruthfulness.
• Micro gestures that last less than one second can signify untruthfulness.
• The stress of lying increases sweating.
• When a person is being truthful, her gestures match her words.

Recommendations

I hope this article has made you think a little about what you can do to make your interactions with others better for you, and, for them. There is a great deal to learn. Each time you discover something new, you will have earned the right to wear yet another pair of x-ray vision glasses because you will see what has always been there, just not visible to you.

Best Year

The best way to appreciate a programme is to hear what people have to say about it. I have done the Best Year Yet programme with friends for the last 9 years now. It is a planning process for your personal goals for the coming year.

I do it at the beginning of the year and it helps me get going. I enter the year with direction and conviction. This is what I will do and what I will become. Watch this space!!

If you want to do this programme with Mariane’s guidance, book your personal session.

Here are some comments from friends who have been on the programme with me.

The course was a unique opportunity to “make conscious” all those noble thoughts about doing better, stretching upwards and finding oneself in a new way in new territory. It heightened accountability, sharing one on one and more publicly in the group – and the energy and enthusiasm (and empathy) generated provided much needed impetus for the goal setting process.(Goals ranged from lofty to small …and people were very “real” in terms of what they were aiming for). For me the experience was also bonding and motivating with valued colleagues who attended with me. The follow up is great – Mariane is clearly not going to let us off the hook! Romy Rycroft

The Best Year Yet was a revelation, once I had completed the task, as a new business woman my values have changed significantly from that of previous years…….success, this value signifies work, family, relationships and life……YOU, live it!! Theda Davies

I have done the Best Year Yet workshop with Mariane for the past several years. It has been so successful in my life, that I have recommended it to all of my friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and anyone else who would listen! The workshop makes the most amazing and visible difference in my life and to my year that lies ahead. It gives me direction and I achieve goals with focus and determination that was lacking before. I would liken it to placing a rudder in a ship – it’s amazing how it helps you get where you want to go! Hope to see you there next year. Charmaine Schwenn, director and partner Tate, Nolan & Knight Attorneys.

The best year yet “ as facilitated by Mariane has already had an significant impact on my life, the process is carefully orchestrated by Mariane to culminate in a programme designed specifically for you to improve your life in the areas that you believe need improving. I discovered that I had drifted away from a solid work-life balance and it was causing stress on my family and on my health. The one day programme has enabled me to identify my drift and to lay the foundations through practical objectives and goals to achieve a more fulfilling and personally successful life. The programme becomes part and parcel of your life and provides a tool to manage all aspects of my life. I would strongly recommend everyone from all walks of life to embark on this programme. Michael Davies

Written down Goals are better

There’s a saying; “You don’t know what you are thinking until you see what you say”. Your mind is a busy place and so it should be. It’s function is to constantly observe, learn, adjust. In such a busy place ideas shift and change and it is difficult to recall where you started. Unless we write down goals, we achieve things on the fly and often by accident. To live a purposeful life, it helps to write down our goals. The process crystallises what we really want.

Write down all your aspirations, your dreams, your wishes. Prioritise them and decide what you want to do this year, or this month. Then create the steps to success.

But before you do: consider each goal in light of your values. Does this goal align with the greater priorities in my life? One women tells the story of having studying on her list year after year. However when she considered her ‘failure’ it turns out that she valued time with her growing family more. A man had to choose between his family being well settled in one city and his career in another city. He choose his career. These examples do not indicate right or wrong, and moral judgments are not required. The point is that unless your goals tie into who you are, you will find them difficult to achieve.

Emotion in Business

I have often heard the comment “emotion has no place in business”. This has come from bosses where the general rule is to check in with the boss’s secretary what mood he is in before approaching him on difficult issues. As far as I am aware, the business world ia occupied by warm blooded, emotional creatures called human beings.

So what? Why should I be paying any attention to emotional intelligence in the workplace?

…because being clever isn’t enough

Research has shown that up to two thirds of success factors can be attributed to EI rather IQ. (The Business Case for EI) It makes sense to spend effort on developing something that makes a difference. In the first article on emotional intelligence (EI) I read, “you are born with your IQ and you cannot increase it, however, EI could be developed”. I remember the delight with which I greeted this news. There was hope for me!! I wasn’t the smartest kid on the block, but here was something I could do that would make a difference.

As a coach there are many ways of working with EI. The client can identify the gaps in the elements of EI that make a difference and set targets for improvements. If you want to be more scientific, the Hay Group offer an on-line 360° assessment. This provides anonymous feedback on how others rate your EI and more importantly how your own rating compares to theirs.

They say that the higher you rise in organisations, the more delusional you become as staff are afraid to give honest feedback. If you are not sure about your EI, why not get a coach and do the 360° assessment.

The Hay Group have a long-standing partnership with EI pioneers Dr Daniel Goleman and Dr Richard Boyatzis. Research originally included up to 50 elements of EI, but extensive research has shown the elements below to be the ones that make the most difference.

• Self awareness
• Achievement orientation
• Adaptability
• Emotional self-control
• Positive outlook
• Empathy
• Organisational awareness
• Conflict management
• Coach and Mentor
• Influence
• Inspirational Leadership
• Teamwork

Mariane Vorster is a business coach providing EI assessment among her solution offerings. To find out more visit her website: http://www.mybusinesscoach.co.za

For more on assessments go to the Hay Group Website http://www.haygroup.com/leadershipandtalentondemand/Products/Emotional_inteligence.aspx

You can also download the following PDF file: The Business Case for Emotional Intelligence

The launch of my Website!!

This is the first entry on the blog of my new website http://mybusinesscoach.co.za/. I am really excited by the possibility of developing the online presence of my business.

The entire process to get here has been really simple and that is definitely due to the wonderful plug and play website building tool that has been specifically developed for coaches. The system is called Coaches Central and it takes all of 5 minutes to get you and your business online.

You can check out the Coaches Central website for more information – http://coachescentral.co.za/